This Sunday felt like a fresh restart. I woke up on the right side of the bed, determined to honor the quiet momentum I've been building. I washed my bedding and comforter, I loaded the dishwasher, I tidied up the living room, swiffered the floors until everything felt clean and refreshed. I even had time to add a new mirror affirmation. I wrote in all caps...LOVE WILL FIND ME. As I did my skin care in the mirror, I couldn't help but to read the affirmation over and over. The more I read it, the more my confidence wavered. I begin to question it. What if love had already found me...and I just didn't know how to let it in? To get out of my head, I laced up my sneakers and headed out for a quick run. The December air was perfect, my playlist was loud, Rihanna's Pour It Up pushed my pace forward. After a good sweat, I slowed down to catch my breath. Only seconds away from slipping into a full-blown panic attack that I didn't see coming. I paused my music, just in time to hear Russel say "Good morning, September. It's good to see you." My face responded before I could, my eyes were locked on Russel's eyes, my heart pounded 100 beats per second. Trying to regain my composure and play it cool, when nothing about me felt calm. "Oh, hi Russel." "I've been wanting to reach out," he admitted. "I just didn't know if you wanted me to." He was right, I didn't. I wanted to erase Russel and his baby daddy activities out of my life-and yet, here he was. "Reach out for what? my tone was sharp and necessary. "To give me a baby shower invitation? He winced, then quickly asked, "can we go to your place and talk?" As much as I hated the idea, I also wanted just that. As we stepped off the elevator, we were met with a sight that shifted the air between us. A fresh bouquet of flowers sitting neatly at my doorstep. The silence stretched, heavy and undeniable. In that moment, I knew the mystery flowers weren't from Russel. Inside, I placed them on the kitchen counter and asked if he minded if I freshened up. His discomfort was visible. "Sure," he said. While the water ran, Russel wandered the apartment, noticing the calm, the cleanliness, the absence of his chaos. With no card attached, Russel considered asking questions he wasn't ready to hear the answers to, but he chose silence instead. He joined me in shower. Mentally, I was caught off guard but physically, I had accepted his intrusion as a silent invite. Russel was more present than he had ever been. As he lathered up my body, his tongue followed the soap suds. Pinned under the shower, Russel kissed me passionately. He was slow, he was gentle. As hard as he was, he was disciplined. He dried me off like a baby. A closeness born of history, confusion. Neither one of us knew what to name this moment. Fully dressed and on the couch, Russel finally spoke. "Sophia lost the baby." The words landed heavy. I said nothing... I couldn't say anything, so I leaned into him, offering a hug that carried grief, relief, and guilt all at once. Russel shifted, unable to sit in silence. "So... now what?" he asked. Tears felled before I could stop them. "I don't know." I whispered. He wiped my face, stood, and said softly, " when you figure it out... you know where to find me." I watched him walk out the door. In the quiet that followed, I moved to the kitchen and brewed a cup of coffee. I turned Pour It Up back on, wrapped my hands around a peppermint mocha, and rearranged the new flowers on the counter. I didn't know what I felt. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know if i should invite love in. But one thing for certain, I knew I was asked a question that I wasn't ready to answer. 

                                                                          To be continued...